After a day of rush,
just like every other evening you come back to your small rented apartment in a
crowded but lonely city. But there is something different about the evening,
you cannot draw out the feeling from the stacks of a thousand clusters of thoughts
residing in your head. You try to gather your thoughts by being in your safe
haven of an apartment that you call home. The daily struggle of work has made
you are exhausted, tired, and alone lying on your messy bed. You haven't
changed your clothes nor have you taken off your shoes.
You are there just lying down, staring at the
light but diving down into a darkness. Suddenly, your growling stomach takes
you out of your meditating state and you remember, you haven't eaten anything
since the morning. You feel the weakness from the hunger, but still it’s not
enough to conquer your void and more importantly your laziness, to get you out
from your thought process and into your apron to make you start cooking.
Since you decided that spacing out is all you want
to do for the day, you commence your contemplation with a stream of thoughts
inhabiting your mind. You even start to question your existence. With every
thought that you pass by, you get more and more certain that you have a messed
up life, you literally live alone, you have nobody to talk to except your
conscience and hence no one to share your feelings.
But you take a deep breath and look at your
walls and ceilings and you feel a sense of calm in you. It gives u a faith of
consistency. No matter what may happen to your day to day life when you get
back to your place with all of the days burden; you always have them looking
upon you, never questioning your decisions nor your choices just ready to
listen.
Now your thoughts want to become your voice. You
feel like as long as there is someone to listen to you, you are willing to
share your thoughts. From the corner of your eye a pack of cigarette tries to
peek into your field of vision, as if it is trying to say I am here for you.
And you being a loner of a person, gives him company by putting him on your
lips and lighting it on fire. The irony of it all, ‘the only thing that wants
to give you more company, you burn it down into ashes’.
As, you have your buddy with you and things that
want to listen too, you start uttering words expressing your deep down
feelings. The more you convey, the more you realize that you have been used a
thousand times, broken a thousand times and in no way is your life going
towards where you thought it would go, when you used to tell people about your
goals in life as a damn kid without having any clue what life had to offer or
what you had to offer to life in order to survive.
You keep making companion out of your cigarettes
and burning it down to ashes. The more you talk about your failures in life and
what it has turned your life into, to a greater extent you feel complete, you
feel more competent. Yet, you cannot draw an end to your failures in life nor
the time that you got knocked down. But you are optimistic that you can say it
all eventually as long as you have a company. However, seems like even your
companion for pain is saying its goodbye to you as you hold your last breathe
of cigarette in your lungs.
With no one to hold your hands through the
conversation, you no longer have the desire to talk to anyone or want to convey
your feelings. You just want to sleep now as everything has tolled upon you
from the exhaustion, to the boredom, to everything that has happened in your
life till now. With still a lot more to say you decide to sleep, but with a
lighter heart than what it weighed before taking off all the different emotions
that you expressed. However, leaving allot more to express for some other day,
allot more weight on your heart to take off for some other day and finding a
new companion for another day
-Neha Sharma
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